Feelings… & Gunshots
I miss my friend, my lover… It’s all gone. But truthfully I never had it… it fucks with me bc I struggle to differentiate between what is real and what is potential/or my desire… bc I’ve made so many changes to compromise her and her feelings… but why does it matter…?? If we are nothing why do I feel everything. I say all that to say… I’m going to the gun range to release some stress.
Caregiver Vent
Warning: A long vent so I may continue doing God’s work even when it seems hard or I cant keep going.
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Life of a caregiver… the life I chose…10 years ago. No one knows how truly difficult this life can be at times unless you’ve been there. I know I can easily walk away and let another handle it for me… but what good is that??? Where is the honor in that??? Uprooting everyone else’s life for my benefit. If you know a loved one is caring for your parent or grandparent… don’t always expect them to speak up when they need a break. Just show up… and be there… travel expenses paid preferably… Think of everything they sacrifice to make your life simpler… the joys you get to experience traveling, working, or just taking a day to rest… the ppl and events they miss out on… ijs… I’m almost 40 and I still haven’t seen the world. I watch friends come and go… across the country and world. My closest friends are always traveling and I sit home struggling not to slip into depression for my choices. Don’t get me wrong seeing my mom smile, spending time with her all that is worth it… heeeeeellll in the past 2years she has made a complete 180. Even if I struggle to figure out the life she had before I stepped in… some days I feel I gave up my life… losing my daughter really fucked me up… I wanted to start a new life… now I’m stuck in this purgatory… filled with goals and experiences I want to have. I’m just tired of waiting. Now that I got my selfish thoughts out… the reality is I wouldn’t have a clue what to do with freedom… I’m in a bubble… my entire life is dedicated to my mom. Sadly her choices affected my life … I guess I’m saying think about how you affect others think about others period… maybe their cry for help isn’t quite a loud cry… but a simple post… or smile like everything is grand and ok… when really it’s not. #oneofthosedays #Transparency2019 #ineedarealvacation #countingitalljoy #sorryforthevent #thistooshallpass #nobodyislisteningthatneedstohearme #godgivemestrength #trustingGodbeyondwhatIcansee
Akari
Tomorrow is Akari’s actual due date… the journey to this day has been hard af to handle. I fell hard. My pain is still so deep the words can’t billow from within me. I try to drown them in the numbness… I smile. I laugh. I am not free. I want to scream most days I am seen smiling… people still don’t know she’s gone. My body is a constant war zone of grenades and missiles exploding my soul… I’m a corpse… pumping air… on life support… from my soul life source… God.
This isn’t poetry… this is really how I feel… my world is in turmoil. I just put on to save face… I plan to heal… I am healing. Longing for the day I will be healed.
What You Mean To Me… a poem for love. By Luvleeh Poetiklocks
Love surpasses the bullshit… it knows ur secrets…
Believes in your goals….
It trusts you…
It is pure and ugly…
Bc nothing is perfect…
Love… sweet angelic being
Love… soulmate birthed for my happy
Love… you are worth the struggle
You are the fight
You are the antidote
For my pain…
The reason why I live
You are worth the wait…
The fight
You are worth changing to be better
You are worth the joy in days to come…
The reason why tomorrows are worth living for…
You are the breeze on a hot day
The warmth on winter nights
The beauty of spring days
You are worth the struggle…
The fights and the break up to makeups…
You are my hallelujah
My perfect amen
You are worth the wait
Worth the journey
Worth letting go of yesterdays…
I love you.
Love you like God loves his own.
Like puppies love play fighting
Like babies love mommies
Like music love concerts
Like parties need djs
Like pain needs depression
Like healing needs God…
You are beauty
You are fierce
You are worth fighting for
When the fight is over
You are everything
Like best friend is to talking off the ledge
Like investments are to success
You are the perfect imperfection
The hello to my hey
The see you later to my goodbye
The life support to the last breath
I love you
Ugly
I love you
More than best friends
More than this is it…
You are my superhero
My savior…
This is what love is…
What promise is
What chance is…
What not giving up is…
No one can carry your torch
For you are a unique light
Set here for me to see
The darkness removed
The peace restored when the chaos settles
You are peace
You are love
My love
The love I desired
Prayed for…
You are the prayer
The word
God’s chosen
For you are worth it all
I’m not perfect
But I am your reflection
In the cloudy day
The dirty stall
The one that sees you as you are
And accepts each element
You dont have to try with me
Just be
As am I
…
Then maybe
We can live and see forever
Together
In a fucked up harmony
That no one can match
Living on a lullaby
Singing sweetly
The song of our dreams.
(c) 2019. Leandrea Hill. All rights reserved.
#freewrite
#poet #thoughtsonlove #Luvleehthought #365DaysofLight #Transparency2019 #poet #poetry #poembyluvleeh #poetrybyluvleeh
Loss of My Baby
….today… I felt a pain unlike any other… The loss of life. Akari Myrina Mikelle Hill… never got to take her first breath… and I’m trying to process it all… trying not to be furious… to feel empty…lost… alone. I can’t write anymore… just praying I get through this…
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Early Morning: Self Love*
So I retwisted my hair last night bc I’m trying to stay committed to a clean look (whatever that means…) but I always seem to get the sniffles when I do my hair… that’s part of why I wait so long. Here I am up for no reason chasing my nose… ears clogged (I think that’s from the pregnancy) my hearing is so weak right now… I already had issues from so many earaches over the years. Anyway… I’m just up… embracing every moment of my final days of “just me” … soon my every waking moment will be consumed by a lil person. I’m still in shock. I think I’m finally happy. It’s strange to get something you have always wanted then not know how to receive it. To question yourself and God… to think I used to say if God wants me to be a mother than I will be a mother… now I’m on my path to just that… last night on Message Monday I spoke of Walking On Your Path… it was refreshing to share… to hear others and their journeys. It’s not always what we expect it to be… I laugh bc I always wanted a child (once I matured) but I never knew of all the complications, changes and pains I would have to endure to get there-. Funny nature has a way of teaching us how to be still, to hear and trust ourselves, god /universe, how to trust the process… how to maintain through it all. Yeah I may have the sniffles now… but they’ll pass… yeah I’m not sure about one thing in becoming a mother but I have learned to love myself… and in order to love anyone else I have to love all of me. My child will get to know the most authentic parts of myself because I healed… and will continue to heal all parts of my heart n mind. I vow to be transparent with my child. Ensure them they are loved… protected…wanted… those things my parents did for me. (Cue water works…) I don’t mind the changes I have to go through to transition into this new place in the world… I know it serves as a purpose in my life… the drive that is burning in my spirit… the things I wish to accomplish… my path took a new direction. Although it was dim… my flame is burning brighter daily… this peace that I’m gonna be just fine seems to wrap me. I feel my grandmothers with me moreso than ever these days. Our bond is wrapped in my dna… the same I’m passing on. It’s refreshing to release these thoughts and feelings. Self love changed the course of my life… Letting go of so much hurt and pain made room to love again… from the depth of my being… that same place where life is created. It’s no wonder God took a chance with me… I finally took a chance with myself. God has a way of providing what we need… whether naturally within us or through an external source… (in reference to being a mother) Becoming a mother to be… has reshaped the way I see life and my value. I wasn’t valued any less before… I just understand the importance of my existence… A year ago I had given up on life all together. I hid in my darkness. Love is light… LiloJope… LIght, LOve, JOy, PEace… I get it now.
#Transparency2018 #Luvleehthought #SelfLoveChallenge #spreadingunitythroughpoetry #journeytomotherhood #teampeanut
(*Reposted from my FB update this morning)
FB: Luvleeh Poetiklocks
IG: @iamjustme927 and @luvleehpoetiklocks
Pregnancy and Me
This pregnancy sure is trying. I am blessed to have a baby coming into this world considering all that came b4… believing I couldn’t conceive with #PCOS… But taking all these tests learning about my current state of health struggling to find happiness is this journey is getting harder and harder. I really should be enjoying this process but I cant. I’m stressed daily.I can talk to ppl til my jaw hurts it doesn’t change my situation. As a full time caregiver I cant even think of not doing my duties to care for myself bc my mom needs me. I have no help … or very little. Medicaid is for those who can actually get it… it doesnt cover those who make slightly more financially so “free” services are not available. I have to pay for everything for my mom. Hell transportation is $100 to go 3-5 miles. Just to drop off n pick up. I have to do all the work… and for once I’d like to have a professional come in and assist daily… so I can focus on this baby. I am not an advocate for abortion… or even giving a baby up for adoption… but I get how ome could make those decisions when faced with a tough reality. The ampunt of stress I deal with is ridiculous. I try… but I dont know when I will actually be happy or joyful… I’m blessed and grateful but I cant bask in the peace of knowing all is ok. Because it’s not. I’m venting as usual… I write bc I cant keep this crap in. Maybe it’s just me… maybe mentally i wasnt as prepared as I thought I was when I asked god for this miracle… but the baby is here…and all I can do is pray. I’m afraid that my anxiety and depression are worsening… it’s unsure … possibly just hormones and being afraid. If you have been down this road I’m open to advice. At this point I need to see my situation in a new light. Bc this baby is a gift from God.
#journeytomotherhood #Transparency2018
It’s been a while since I posted anything. I don’t write much these days. I’ve been through a lot. I’m trying to manage my thoughts and emotions. The day before my 34th bday on Sept 27th I found out I was pregnant. I was in disbelief so nuch so I took 5 tests prior to going to the hospital. Not excited about those bills. I was unsure what to think or who the father could be… I had been single for quite some time. Hell I wasnt even interested in men. How could this happen I thought … I thought it was a joke. I was told I couldn’t have kids with my health. Pcos sucks ass. But I was 8 weeks. I was unsure of myself or future. I didnt know the first thing to do. I had no maternity insurance. Nothing… hell I was drinking all month as it was my mom and my bday month. Of course that stopped. No bday drinks for me. I had a baby growing. I look now at the past weeks and understand the nausea, sickness my body was fighting me. I was in excruciating pain for 3 months. Now I’m 15 weeks… I’m stressed daily. This type 2 diabetes/gestational diabetes is whooping my ass. I can’t eat anything without counting carbs. No milk. No juice. No cookies. No ice cream… not even the diet kinds. It sucks. I’m on insulin 5 times a day. My doctor told me not to take my meds at the hospital …wrong thing 2 do. Now I’m paying for it. I argue more than I like these days… I’m in and out of low periods. I’m battling myself daily. It’s a lonely road but I’m walking it. To be honest I’m only fighting for my baby. Some days I want to give up. But what good is that with this miracle on the way. I’m juggling being a full time caregiver with little help now… and a baby coming. Work is not an option due to my mom’s 24 hr care. I need help… but the waiting list is 2 yrs long. We have a year to go. On top of all that… we will be moving due to lack of space here… I’m just overehelmed. I can’t cry out bc everyone has problems. My family can’t help. I’m just stuck. I’m trying to dump my thoughts in hopes of feeling better. This past weekend was a hell of a weekend. Took me through a storm. I wont divulge but damn… smh. Praying for change… bc if not idk what will happen… nobody talks of the negatives with pregnancy outside the gift Idk what is positive. That’s my honest thought. So far it’s a journey. #Transparency2018 #Luvleehthought #journeytomotherhood #TeamPeanut
Poetik Rendezvous 