Feelings… & Gunshots

I miss my friend, my lover… It’s all gone. But truthfully I never had it… it fucks with me bc I struggle to differentiate between what is real and what is potential/or my desire… bc I’ve made so many changes to compromise her and her feelings… but why does it matter…?? If we are nothing why do I feel everything. I say all that to say… I’m going to the gun range to release some stress.

Caregiver Vent

Warning: A long vent so I may continue doing God’s work even when it seems hard or I cant keep going.
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Life of a caregiver… the life I chose…10 years ago. No one knows how truly difficult this life can be at times unless you’ve been there. I know I can easily walk away and let another handle it for me… but what good is that??? Where is the honor in that??? Uprooting everyone else’s life for my benefit. If you know a loved one is caring for your parent or grandparent… don’t always expect them to speak up when they need a break. Just show up… and be there… travel expenses paid preferably… Think of everything they sacrifice to make your life simpler… the joys you get to experience traveling, working, or just taking a day to rest… the ppl and events they miss out on… ijs… I’m almost 40 and I still haven’t seen the world. I watch friends come and go… across the country and world. My closest friends are always traveling and I sit home struggling not to slip into depression for my choices. Don’t get me wrong seeing my mom smile, spending time with her all that is worth it… heeeeeellll in the past 2years she has made a complete 180. Even if I struggle to figure out the life she had before I stepped in… some days I feel I gave up my life… losing my daughter really fucked me up… I wanted to start a new life… now I’m stuck in this purgatory… filled with goals and experiences I want to have. I’m just tired of waiting. Now that I got my selfish thoughts out… the reality is I wouldn’t have a clue what to do with freedom… I’m in a bubble… my entire life is dedicated to my mom. Sadly her choices affected my life … I guess I’m saying think about how you affect others think about others period… maybe their cry for help isn’t quite a loud cry… but a simple post… or smile like everything is grand and ok… when really it’s not. #oneofthosedays #Transparency2019 #ineedarealvacation #countingitalljoy #sorryforthevent #thistooshallpass #nobodyislisteningthatneedstohearme #godgivemestrength #trustingGodbeyondwhatIcansee

Akari

Tomorrow is Akari’s actual due date… the journey to this day has been hard af to handle. I fell hard. My pain is still so deep the words can’t billow from within me. I try to drown them in the numbness… I smile. I laugh. I am not free. I want to scream most days I am seen smiling… people still don’t know she’s gone. My body is a constant war zone of grenades and missiles exploding my soul… I’m a corpse… pumping air… on life support… from my soul life source… God. 

This isn’t poetry… this is really how I feel… my world is in turmoil. I just put on to save face… I plan to heal… I am healing. Longing for the day I will be healed. 

What You Mean To Me… a poem for love. By Luvleeh Poetiklocks¬†

Love surpasses the bullshit… it knows ur secrets…

Believes in your goals….

It trusts you…

It is pure and ugly… 

Bc nothing is perfect…

Love… sweet angelic being

Love… soulmate  birthed for my happy

Love… you are worth the struggle

You are the fight

You are the antidote 

For my pain…

The reason why I live

You are worth the wait…

The fight

You are worth changing to be better

You are worth the joy in days to come…

The reason why tomorrows are worth living for…

You are the breeze on a hot day

The warmth on winter nights

The beauty of spring days

You are worth the struggle…

The fights and the break up to makeups… 

You are my hallelujah 

My perfect amen

You are worth the wait

Worth the journey

Worth letting go of yesterdays… 

I love you.

Love you like God loves his own.

Like puppies love play fighting 

Like babies love mommies

Like music love concerts

Like parties need djs

Like pain needs depression 

Like healing needs God…

You are beauty

You are fierce

You are worth fighting for 

When the fight is over

You are everything

Like best friend is to talking off the ledge

Like investments are to success

You are the perfect imperfection 

The hello to my hey

The see you later to my goodbye

The life support to the last breath

I love you

Ugly

I love you

More than best friends

More than this is it…

You are my superhero

My savior…

This is what love is…

What promise is

What chance is…

What not giving up is…

No one can carry your torch 

For you are a unique light

Set here for me to see

The darkness removed

The peace restored when the chaos settles

You are peace 

You are love

My love

The love I desired

Prayed for…

You are the prayer

The word

God’s chosen

For you are worth it all

I’m not perfect

But I am your reflection

In the cloudy day

The dirty stall

The one that sees you as you are

And accepts each element

You dont have to try with me

Just be

As am I

… 

Then maybe 

We can live and see forever

Together

In a fucked up harmony

That no one can match

Living on a lullaby 

Singing sweetly

The song of our dreams. 

(c) 2019. Leandrea Hill. All rights reserved.


#freewrite

#poet #thoughtsonlove #Luvleehthought #365DaysofLight #Transparency2019 #poet #poetry #poembyluvleeh #poetrybyluvleeh 

Loss of My Baby

….today… I felt a pain unlike any other… The loss of life. Akari Myrina Mikelle Hill… never got to take her first breath… and I’m trying to process it all… trying not to be furious… to feel empty…lost… alone. I can’t write anymore… just praying I get through this… 

Early Morning: Self Love*

So I retwisted my hair last night bc I’m trying to stay committed to a clean look (whatever that means…) but I always seem to get the sniffles when I do my hair… that’s part of why I wait so long. Here I am up for no reason chasing my nose… ears clogged (I think that’s from the pregnancy) my hearing is so weak right now… I already had issues from so many earaches over the years. Anyway… I’m just up… embracing every moment of my final days of “just me” … soon my every waking moment will be consumed by a lil person. I’m still in shock.  I think I’m finally happy.  It’s strange to get something you have always wanted then not know how to receive it. To question yourself and God… to think I used to say if God wants me to be a mother than I will be a mother… now I’m on my path to just that… last night on Message Monday I spoke of Walking On Your Path… it was refreshing to share… to hear others and their journeys. It’s not always what we expect it to be… I laugh bc I always wanted a child (once I matured) but I never knew of all the complications, changes and pains I would have to endure to get there-.  Funny nature has a way of teaching us how to be still, to hear and trust ourselves, god /universe, how to trust the process… how to maintain through it all. Yeah I may have the sniffles now… but they’ll pass… yeah I’m not sure about one thing in becoming a mother but I have learned to love myself… and in order to love anyone else I have to love all of me. My child will get to know the most authentic parts of myself because I healed… and will continue to heal all parts of my heart n mind. I vow to be transparent with my child.  Ensure them they are loved… protected…wanted… those things my parents did for me. (Cue water works…) I don’t mind the changes I have to go through to transition into this new place in the world… I know it serves as a purpose in my life… the drive that is burning in my spirit… the things I wish to accomplish… my path took a new direction.  Although it was dim… my flame is burning brighter daily… this peace that I’m gonna be just fine seems to wrap me. I feel my grandmothers with me moreso than ever these days. Our bond is wrapped in my dna… the same I’m passing on. It’s refreshing to release these thoughts and feelings.  Self love changed the course of my life… Letting go of so much hurt and pain made room to love again… from the depth of my being… that same place where life is created.  It’s no wonder God took a chance with me… I finally took a chance with myself. God has a way of providing what we need… whether naturally within us or through an external source… (in reference to being a mother) Becoming a mother to be… has reshaped the way I see life and my value.  I wasn’t valued any less before… I just understand the importance of my existence… A year ago I had given up on life all together.  I hid in my darkness. Love is light… LiloJope… LIght, LOve, JOy, PEace… I get it now. 

#Transparency2018 #Luvleehthought #SelfLoveChallenge #spreadingunitythroughpoetry #journeytomotherhood #teampeanut

(*Reposted from my FB update this morning)

FB: Luvleeh Poetiklocks 

IG: @iamjustme927 and @luvleehpoetiklocks