Filling the Loss of Love With Love

I just read my sister, Sankofa Kween’s, blog Open the Flood Gates Heal Your Life and before I could come to the end I was crying. At first I was unsure as to why I was crying, but I realized it wasn’t the experience itself or her sharing. It was my own thoughts running through my mind about Love- I tried to call her and got her voice mail. She wasn’t online either, so I knew this was a journey I needed to seek for self. So I did. I asked myself to find the root , the source of this pain.

I knew it was not from the day or anything going on in the present aspect of my self/life b/c today was fabulous and my journey is ever changing/evolving.

So, I found the source, it was not a surprise either. It was my father.Like her father, my father was not there after my parent’s divorce. I realized in this current experience that I missed him, I felt that I lost my best friend- my father. I was daddy’s little girl; as hard as it may have been – I was always around him, trying to follow his every move. Then he was taken from me; and be it the courts, or just his own doing, I lost him.

At the time, I couldn’t trust my mom and I feared my dad. The only love I knew was broken. so I took those pieces and mixed it with all the things a broken child has— nothing. This shaped a long insecure life. It molded those “blockages”( lack of love, no father figure), so I would not know self love. {I was too focused on getting it then giving it to myself}. I felt if it wasn’t coming from someone else, then it never will. A mantra I so often believed.

I remember fighting the thought of God’s Love because I felt I couldn’t see/feel it. Something age, experience so changed.

(I know I jump thought often...)Well, in this moment after reading my sister’s blog my mind, body and soul took a journey. A Poetic/ prose journey. It is the one thing I hold true and respect- poetry that is. It is the closest thing I know to God that is within me and I allowed Spirit/ Creator to speak to my heart through my words.

I will post the three poems that manifested as I poured from my soul; hugged the child within and told her it will be ok, and embraced my future as a loving woman; who knows whole heartedly that self love will draw me closer to God’s love and in return connect me to the King who is so destined to be my soul mate.

The following enabled me to push out the past, embrace the present and trust my future. This is what I wrote as the tears poured from my womb. # Poems I’ll call Past, Present and Future. All Rights Reserved. ( titles may change in future reposts/prints) It may seem like a rant but I wrote them as is:

PAST:(take 1)

Feeling the loss of love

Filling it with the thoughts of the same

I cry out from the depth of my womb

I held this in for so long

You left me

And I blamed myself

I never thought that I would ever want to love someone for I felt that love meant hurting them

I was always afraid

My father was my best friend

But my mother

Pushed him away…

*****************************

PAST (take 2)

I don’t want to settle for love

So many people around me settle for love;

So much I see why it pours through my veins

I settle too often for the 20 percent for fear that I can’t reach the 80 percent mark

So I need to shift

Draw back to my course and evaluate the journey

I took what others loaned me and called it my own

That their worthlessness was my jewel for epitome

It sickens me

I regurgitate their thoughts of me

Scorned in youth by those I cared for

Believed they loved me b/c love was their joy

My father set the example and I followed suit

Love just enough but love with truth

He was a good father

But a bad husband

Every other example I knew died…

and many of the truths came out as adulthood arrived…

so I strived to be the perfect girl friend

Only to settle as the perfect mistress

I let love miss me

Luvleeh ( Love Lee) an undermining name to what my heart so desires

that now every day ppl say they luv me though not even know it directly

Love me

Love me

Like I’ve tried to love myself

Love more than the broken nights

Drunk and yearning for a kind word or gentle touch

Love me more than quick thrill and ravishing rough sex

Take the night and draw out our future in the map of stars

Take me … mold me… God…

Love me

Nine years I abused myself

I didn’t need anyone to hurt me

I don’t blame myself for doing what I knew as life…

Molded in the blockage of my parents transgressions

I needed each blessing

Each prayer… to show me that God’s love… is everlasting…

That man once connected will be directed to me… and together we will meet in the universal healing…

For love knocked on his heart too, though he wasn’t hearing.

I don’t know who he is…

Or why I run from him so…

But I’m removing the braces and letting go…

If I fall… catch me in time before the ground carries me through another …..

PRESENT:

I jumped off the cliff for love

Knowing it would catch me

I felt the wind flowing through my hair

As the horizon shifted in milliseconds and gravity floated against me….

Yet I was moving in a forward motion

I was not falling….

Flying with a crimson sun to my left

An eagle flew towards me

Gliding only to look me in the eyes….

He bowed,

I smiled

Love was cool against my skin

Though the warmth of golden rays danced across my back…

I could not forget my past

So I turned from which I leaped

And saw my younger body staring at me;

And she smiled

A sign of forgiveness

My soul was free

Free to love

The broken parts of me were left waiting for an answer

As I got closer to the opposite side I saw my reflection in the dusty air

I drew closer to the image

As it molded a more mature me meeting the memory of past days

And she too smiled

A welcoming smile of peace

That the journey had ended and I came into her

Freely

Openly lovingly

Knowing that today I was born anew

As arms embraced my spirit and my new flesh

As she whispered to my heart

I love you

And I knew it was genuine

It was real

It was me…. And I turned to the sun now on my right

Bold in its glory

And I thanked God for the journey

Asked him to watch over the child within my past

Encourage her to live again

Free from all the pain

And secrets

Free from hiding from herself

And know that Love was always there…

For God never left her side.

FUTURE:

I cried

to let all the past transgressions dance out

of my soul through its doorway.

I cried

to let God know

I’m making more room for him.

I cried

to free the child within me

so she would know that love exists in every element of life.

I cried to live.

And I know now that love is what makes me whole.

Clearing

I am ever grateful for this much needed cleansing within my inner self. I cannot try to explain it anymore than what it is. I know it as truth for myself and in the end it is all that matters. I embrace this new found love yet again. I embrace Luvleeh for she is I and I do Love me. I embrace the love that comes to me through all forms of righteous, positive, true love. I embrace the love that is within in reach of every element in this realm and beyond. I see my growth. I see my heart beating faster like a fluttering first love. I embrace my King. I know God’s love is eternal. I know my love is eternal. I know I am Leandrea J. Hill the Luvleeh Poetiklocks of Poetry and I will continue to spread Love, hence today my name thus means the spreading of Love from Lee H, thus I am Luvleeh.

Rebirth in the experience. My inner Phoenix arises and takes flight.

Peace Love and Poetik Enlightenment

*Unity through Poetry*

Leandrea “Luvleeh Poetiklocks” Hill

Advertisements

One thought on “Filling the Loss of Love With Love

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s